[ Wednesday, October 15, 2003 ]

 
   

Mood: Depressed
Music: -None-

I knew it was too good to last. Merf. Ok, so, I keep trying to ask my mom nicely if she's talked to my dad about the horse thing, but either she's forgotten to when she sees him or he's not home when she is. But this morning, when I asked her, she said she's going to call MY SISTER and what she thinks about it.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

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Ok, so, aside from the fact that my sister has wanted a horse for as long as I have, look at these memories: Whenever we got something, say, a cat or dog, here's how it went: Beth and Laura's dog. Beth and Laura's cat. Beth and Laura's movie. Not Laura and Beth...Beth and Laura. And oh, the priority she got. When we got Dizzy, for example, she got first dibs playing with her. By the time I got to play with her, she was sleeping. Same thing with Skittles, except she was long gone and hiding under the bed by the time I got to cuddle her. This is my ONE chance to have something of my own- I'm going to pay for it, it's legally mine. Not Beth and Laura's horse....Laura's horse. Laura will be the one riding every day if time and weather permits. Not Beth. Of course, I'd let her ride sometimes. But no. Beth won't have it. Being a little sister, I've read her journal and read how badly she's wanted a horse and how she's cursed us all into oblivion for preventing her from obtaining one. And because of this, she will say, "No. If I can't get a horse, Laura can't get a horse." And this is keeping in mind that I, not my parents, am paying for the entire thing. ME. Laura Ostrander, 17 year old. Not Betsy and Dave Ostrander, parents. ME. But no. She won't have it. She'll pitch a fit and bitch. And my parents, knowing "Precious Beth" will be sadly distraught by me purchasing and paying board monthly for a horse, will deny me the ability to get my college money out of the stock market. And even if my parents do allow me the privilege to buy a horse, somehow my sister will hook my mom with her fish line baited with tears and words into us sharing a horse. Then, every day in the summer, she will be gone, riding. And I'll be shit out of luck when it comes to wanting to ride and out the money for the horse and board. Bullshit. I am not going to let that happen.

I know it's very selfish. But I've wanted something important to call my own for the longest time. And I've been really depressed lately...to the point of suicide. And I want to throw my heart and soul into something. I have no interests...I go to school, study, sleep, work. That's it. I never go out with friends, because I don't really have any, maybe 2 total. But maybe if I throw myself into something I love but can't do at the moment, like riding, maybe I'll join the world again. But my mom doesn't seem to understand that.

I just wish that people would think of things from my point of view every once in awhile. God. I'm going to go cry now. I got so worked up and excited about maybe getting a horse; I got all the tack out of the basement and spent all afternoon yesterday cleaning it. In class, I've been dreaming all week about cantering along Eagle Valley trail and soaring over the jumps along the path and seeing the deer stare at me...now, all of the tack is sitting in my room, laughing at me. I can seriously hear it taunting me. God, I've got problems. I wish I could just be happy and be a drone sometimes. Dammit all to hell.

This is Laura, who is more than likely NOT getting a horse. Thanks for killing me, family. Thank you.

    Lar [11:24 PM]

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