[ Saturday, October 01, 2005 ]

 
   

Mood: Hopeful
Music: The Killers- Everything Will Be Alright

Lately, I've been feeling horrible. I've been feeling so alone, that no one knows what I'm going through. I've been feeling like I've been rocking back and forth on the floor of a huge gymnasium, all by myself.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I've been thinking about life plans, and what I really want out of life.

I want to get a full-time job.

I want to get married.

I want to have children and quit my full-time job.

I want to be a housewife and actually stay home and raise my children, instead of letting the TV raise them.

After my kids are old enough, I want to get a part-time job to help with the income, but one that gives me enough time to still care for my house and older kids.

Simple enough, right? Well....if you look at those plans, there's something that really jumps out. I'm basing my life on a solid relationship with someone. On getting married and having a husband; a husband that has a good enough job that we can sustain ourselves on his income and my part-time income. Then I look back on all of the relationships I've had in the past, and realized- oh shit, I'm fucked.

My mother went to junior high school with my father, though they weren't friends or anything. Then, in their freshman year at college, my father saw my mother and was like, "....She looks familiar." Et voila. After they graduated, they got married. I guess I thought that's how my life would work out- I'd meet my "high school sweetheart" and everything would be happily ever after.

But the relationships I've had aren't very encouraging. First, we have the 2 online relationships, which I can't really count anymore, since I've never MET the guys in person. Then there's the Kevin thing...where I was used to make a girl jealous. Then there was the Dan thing, during which I was basically used so Dan could make Jessika jealous. Well, that didn't work out for him, and I had my first kiss stolen from me. Then he asked me to be "Friends With Benefits"....and that really pissed me off.

Is there a pattern here? Apparently...it's that I'm apparently only worthy enough of being used. Well, fuck that. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of all of the shit that comes out of a relationship. I'm about one brain hemorrhage short of saying "screw relationships" and moving to the middle of Antarctica to study penguins.

All I want is to be respected and to be loved. To be treated like a human being, instead of some whore that's only good enough to make other girls jealous. And is that really too much to ask? I'd like to think that I'm a kind person....someone who can make others smile and laugh just by being myself....and someone who doesn't make guys run away screaming and vomiting upon the mere sight of me. I'd like to think that I'm nice, funny, and at least semi-attractive. But how can I think these things when I can only be told these things in comfort? When I'm being the usual ranty me, and one of my friends says, "Oh, don't say that, you're beautiful!"

Well, this morning, things got bad. I was talking to Alan, and all of these things just came flooding into me. I just wanted to die to make everything go away. Instead of pulling out the 12-gauge, I went running. Yes, people...Laura hauled her ass out from behind the computer screen and went running. When I got back, I just collapsed on the grass in front of my house and spent the next few minutes in thought.

I can't let the worries of the future get me down. I can't worry about finding my husband at the age of 19, no matter how incredibly lonely I am. I won't worry about telling my secrets to people. I won't ever go looking for a boyfriend just because I'm lonely.

I am going to be myself. I'm going to be the bright, funny, and kind person that I know I am, and hopefully, one day, someone will see that and love me because I'm me. If they don't see that, then that's their problem. If they want to use me, that's their problem, because I'm not going to stand for it. I'm going to just be me. If I start to love them, and they don't love me back, then I'll just have to get over them. I am not going to be weak and lose it, and change who I am because I'm lonely. It's not going to happen.

My mother took me out to dinner, and I told her everything that was bothering me. She told me exactly what I needed to hear, as always- that my dreams are my dreams, and I shouldn't have to change them, especially if it's what's going to make me happy. She said that becoming a housewife and mother isn't a dream that I should have to change, especially since I'm still going to college and am making the attempt to better educate myself. She told me to never change who I am for a guy, because pretending to be someone you're not only hurts you and the other person in the end.

She also said that I may want to reevaluate my choice of CMSU. I love Central's campus, but I'm not sure I'm happy. I thought that going to a small school would be the right choice for me, but it feels exactly like high school. The same kind of work, the same kinds of "cliques", and the same kinds of drama. Mom suggested that I may think about coming home and going to St. Louis University...or even going to Mizzou. I'm still sort of iffy about Mizzou, but who knows. I'm going to stick out the year at Central, and see what happens. If, by the end of second semester, I feel as though I've gone through a 5th year of high school, then I'm probably going to transfer. I was miserable in high school- I don't want to be miserable for 4 years of college, especially since it's my choice.

Hopefully things will work out. I feel a lot better now. I'm sorry to Emy and Alan, who had to listen to all of my emotional depressiveness. I really love the both of you- you have no idea.

I'm very sorry to everyone else who had to endure this long rant. I tend to bottle up my depressive emotions on the inside and mask it on the outside with my lightheartedness. Just being able to rant makes me feel even better.

But now, I know that I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to be myself, and hopefully a good life will come to me, and that things will work themselves out.

    Lar [7:37 PM]

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